scolding

Mum is scolding everyone in the house now. I hate this. She complains too much in her life. I think she's going mad. Picked up on random things to scold about and then repeating those things she had scolded for countless times. What should i do?
Now i only know what brother must be feeling all this while. She keeps saying, " There's really no hope in this family dy". And then continue scolding. Then she'll say, " I dunno what kind of family is this! Gone dy, no more dy this family, gone!" How can she keep uttering these kind of words, it will truly bring down the family then, destroy the mental of children, me. I went away from that scolding spot. Now brother is being scolded now.
I need to forgive her no matter what. Forgive her for behaving like this. I need God's grace so much to do this.
I need to enter to university. Man, this is coming on hard on me, great burden. Mum is expecting that i enter, if i can't enter, i think she even can denounce me as her daughter. She likes face a lot. Comparing other children with her children. How can she live like this? Comparing?
Spoil the mood before camp now. Or maybe it's good i go camp later. Take a break from everything.

Pretty face

Today i browsed through A's pictures. She posted all sorts of sexy appealing pictures. I really wonder, what will she be if she's born ugly at the start? What if all the pretty girls in this world are born ugly?
That makes me think, what if i'm born ugly? I don't mean that i'm really that beautiful but i think i have a decent look and an approachable one. I was thinking, what if im ugly? Will i still have confidence? Am i relying too much on my face to make me confident?=S
Last friday, i observed my friend, J and another friend, M, who are much prettier than the first one. I saw a difference in fact. J was feeling more insecure while M felt more secure in her position. I really feel that it's because of M's face, she gained more attention and acceptance by the people around her. And that time, i thought, what if M is borned ugly? Will she still be like this?
I felt that sometimes we paid too much attention on the appearance than the innerself. One's appearance can really affect people a lot. On how the person will behave in later life.
I don't want to be a slave to this.
I know God created me in this body. And i should not place my security in this face and body of mine. Because it won't last long.
I should place my security and my full confidence of myself because of Him.
He shall be my confidence.
Not anything else.
And i hope other people especially all the girls will know about this and fully grasp it.

Quotes from Bruce Lee

1. Goals

“A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.”

2. Flexibility

"Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind."

3. Time

“If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.”

4. Service

“Real living is living for others.”

5. Acceptance

“Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.”

6. Single-mindedness

“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.”

7. Creativity

“Using no way as way, using no limitation as limitation.”

8. Simplicity







“Simplicity is the key to brilliance.”








9. Find Your Path

"Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own."

10. Take action

"Knowing is not enough, you must apply; willing is not enough, you must do."

11. Ego

"The martial arts are ultimately self-knowledge. A punch or a kick is not to knock the hell out of the guy in front, but to knock the hell out of your ego, your fear, or your hang-ups."

[taken from: http://www.dumblittleman.com/2010/06/11-inspiring-life-lessons-from-bruce.html]

Strict Timetable

I've made a very strict timetable for myself. Hopefully i can make it till the end. Second day also like so shaky ady but i know the first few days will be hard so do the last of the days. But good fruits will come out from this i know. Ugh! have to stop talking but put in more effort into this. Regretted not sleeping today, i felt so dead and lifeless now. Christine, buck up!

Yesterday spent quiet time with God. Such a long time i didn't do this, to just be still and pray my heart out for almost one hour. I've pledged one hour for each day to just spend time alone and another one hour for bible reading. With God's grace, i shall grow in Him more. I need to grow! Not to stay the same. Yesterday's quiet time indeed made this morning a meaningful as in i was able to be more spirited and light in mood. Transparently communicating with people and be lively. I am meant to be extrovert. Or rather internally extrovert because i treasure my personal time too.

Anyway, i want to study hard even after exam.
So, all the best to me! :)

7 Lessons from Donald Trump

1. Focus on the Present

“I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's were the fun is.”

Yesterday is buried, and tomorrow is not yet born; the only progress that can be made toward success has to be done in the present moment, so I recommend that you focus all of your energies into making the present moment as productive as possible. If you don’t, your past will duplicate itself into your future.




2. Fail Forward

“Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

Never fear failure, failure is the path to success. If at first you don’t succeed, then … that makes sense. Success takes time and it requires failure, through the process of failing you will discover how to succeed. Don’t fear failing, fear not giving your all.






3. Think Big

“As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big.”

It takes no more time to think big as it does to think small. Plan for big things in your life, there’s always room at the top for the person who’s willing to think bigger. Leave "little thinking" for people who want to accomplish little things, but not you. Success begins with thinking big.








4. Do What You Love

“If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable.”

I saw a billboard the other day that said, “Life is too short to eat oatmeal,” I don’t know about that, but I do know that life is too short to do work that you despise. Trump said, “I don't make deals for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it, to do it.” Whatever you do, you must do it, to do it, because you will only have success doing what you love!









5. Stay Positive

“What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate."

Nothing is more constant then “change.” What worked for someone else will not necessarily work for you on your path to success. Challenges that others did not have, you may have. What separates the winners from the losers is that winners react positively to unforeseen challenges. Winners go over the hurdles that stop others.






6. Passion is Power

“Without passion you don’t have energy; without energy you have nothing.”

The main ingredient for success is energy. Nothing great can ever be accomplished with out “amazing” levels of energy, and energy comes from passion, so what’s the lesson? Always follow your passion, and you will always have the energy to accomplish your dreams.








7. Experience Is Priceless

“Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make.”

You need experience; there are things that experience will teach you that you can’t learn in any other way. Never underestimate the value of getting your hands dirty. With experience come priceless lessons that will position you for success.

Lessons from Distinguished Billionaires

1. Look For Opportunities

“It's through curiosity and looking at opportunities in new ways that we've always mapped our path at Dell. There's always an opportunity to make a difference.” – Michael Dell, Founder, CEO, and Chairman of Dell Inc.

If you never look for an opportunity, you will never find one. The Wright Brothers were looking to see if it was possible for man to fly, they didn’t stumble upon it, they were looking for it. What are you looking for? The Scripture says seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be open to you.




2. Empower Others

“As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others.” – Bill Gates, Co-founder and Former CEO of Microsoft, currently the 2nd richest man in the world behind Carlos Slim.

Who are you empowering, who are you helping, who needs you. You can’t go forward without helping others go forward. Instead of being concerned about how you’re going to get ahead, find a way to help others get ahead, and you will get ahead in the process. Empower others and you will empower yourself.







3. Focus

“In the end, you're measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.” – Donald Trump, Real Estate Investor/Developer, TV Personality

Don’t be a “jack of all trades” and master of none. Don’t bite-off more than you can chew. Decide what you want to accomplish in your life, and spend your time accomplishing it. Work hard, take breaks, and in the end, if your focus is single, you will have accomplished it.








4. Learn From Your Mistakes

“I'm the type that thinks if you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it.” – Mark Cuban, Internet Entrepreneur and NBA Team Owner

It sounds simple, but many people live a life of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
The “cow in the ditch” example below gives us a pattern for how we should deal with our mistakes.
Here are the three steps you should follow whenever a "cow ends up in your ditch:"

Step 1: Get Cow Out of Ditch
Step 2: Find Out How Cow Got in Ditch
Step 3: Make Sure Cow Does Not Get in Ditch Again








5. Only Go Forward

“We will go forward, ... We will never go back.” –Michael Bloomberg, current New York City Mayor and Founder of Bloomberg LP

You can’t make much progress forward if you keep on taking steps backwards.

Make a decision to go forward, never settle, never stagnate, life is about growth, it’s about development. You are supposed to grow, you’re supposed to become all that you are capable of becoming, so go forward and never look back!

The 7 most motivational Quotes

1. Our deepest fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do” -- Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

If not you, then who? We are taught as children that others are great, and that we are not, so I ask the question, “Where do the “great” come from?”

I submit to you that the great arise from the most mundane of places; the great are those who refuse to remain as they are; the great are those who believe in their greatness.




2. You Will Become What You Think About

“The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart, this you will build your life by, and this you will become.” -- James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

The thoughts that you harbor in your mind, the ones that you continually give your attention to, those thoughts will eventually become your life.

If you see yourself as a success, then you will become a success; whatever you consistently ponder, you will become.

3. Your Life Should Be an Adventure

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”--Helen Keller

Whatever your dream, go after it; never settle for a life of quiet desperation, never become a realist. John Eliot said, “As soon as anyone starts telling you to be “realistic,” cross that person off your invitation list.” Your life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

4. You Should Never Overestimate the Competition

“The fishing is best where the fewest go, and the collective insecurity of the world makes it easy for people to hit home runs while everyone else is aiming for base hits. There is just less competition for bigger goals. If you are insecure, guess what? The rest of the world is, too. Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.”-- Timothy Ferris, The Four Hour Work Week

Someone has to be successful, someone has to write the next bestseller, someone has to be number one, someone has to be on the best, why not you! As the famous poem goes, “You have all that the greatest of men have had, two hands, and two feet.”







5. Just Keep On Working

“I do not have superior intelligence or faultless looks. I do not captivate a room or run a mile under six minutes. I only succeeded because I was still working after everyone else went to sleep.”-- Greg Evans

Keep working, and keep working, and keep working towards your goal, eventually you will get there. The key is to remain focused on your goal! I like what J.C. Penny said, he said, “Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you a man who will make history. Give me a man without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk.”





6. If You Want It, Go Get It

“You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you, you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.”--Will Smith in the Movie: Pursuit of Happiness

There will always be “little men” telling you “how you can’t, why you can’t, and how you’re going to fail when you try.” But if you have a dream, go after it; never let someone tell you what you can’t do. You can do whatever you believe you can do.







7. Remember: Success Always Starts Small

“The greatest achievement was at first, and for a time, but a dream.” --Napoleon Hill

The largest tree was once a tiny seed. There was a time when Microsoft wasn't on any computers; there was a time when Michael Jordan had never scored in a basketball game. Never despise small beginnings, every success starts small. So stay focused, if your focus is steady, you will succeed!



[taken from: http://www.dumblittleman.com/2010/03/7-most-motivational-quotes-ever-spoken.html]

Friends - memories

Thank you for everything.

Indeed i want to tell my friends these words. I miss those friends, companies in college though its just only the few of them. When i looked back at those people in prayer group in college, even those who i've not known, somehow, i felt like i've known them for a long time. Perhaps because i was there before, also battling on in prayer group. It has grown so much. How i wish i'm also there. Well, i know in two weeks time, they are going to graduate, not sure whether i'll still feel attached to the college then. I'm attached to the people in the college. Perhaps the college and the place will serve as a place full of sweet memories. =) Ahh...i wonder what will happen to me if i didn't enter this college. I know i won't be able to do so much and won't know so many great friends. Thank God i went. Also i wonder, what will happen to me if i chose to stay on. So many possibilities. Well, its just the road not taken. Now i understand how the poet must be feeling. Regret? Longing? Wondering? For now, i just want to take life to the fullest. I want to treasure the friends around me in school. To start thinking that they want to be friends with me too. And that i will learn to not think that they don't want to. I miss those friends.

Treasure friendship - doubts away

I thought to myself today. I realised that i was just being too suspicious of a person especially a guy's motive when he talk to me. I was thinking today perhaps what if they really talk to me out of a pure motive. I'd always think that in a way they want to take advantage of me when they talk to me, advantage as in they want to go over me, so in a way they can be satisfied. But what if they talk to me because they just are comfortable to talk to me? Today KH told me that he is actually liking someone. And the girl also has a little crush on him but she wants her next relationship to be the one hit KO. Anyway, sometimes i used to think that he in msn sort of hint that he likes me but actually in the end, i know that he is just liking me as a very very good friend (like what he told me). It suffices actually. I don't want to lose anymore treasure(friendship) because of my over suspicious feeling. I shall not trust my feelings so much because what i perceive might be incorrect. I want to understand that those guys who talk to me talk to me because they want to be friends with me and are comfortable with me. It's crazy for me to think that every guys who talk to me likes me and wants to couple with me. =) I shall learn how to distinguish. I love all of my guy friends too. They're all awesome people. I shall stop distancing myself from them because of this. I need to understand that i'm special to be a friend. Not to be taken advantage of. Can't believe i didn't think about this before. Thank God for revealing this to me. =)

relationship

I was talking about bf gf thing with KH. Well, somehow we'll always end our topics regarding this topic. Anyway, i don't know whether i'm desperate to have a relationship ornot, but i somehow feel like i want someone to love me, to be with me. I need to admit that i'm longing for this kind of companion. I don't want to be too desperate till i make the wrong decision to grab anyone who wants me. Still, i don't want to be too picky also. I'm actually scared that i'm not enough good for my future bf or husband. Many guys around me now seemed like a good candidate for me suddenly. I know they noticed me too. And they're good guys. Im grateful. But someone told me i looked like a girl who first hit then KO, meaning first bf dy will marry. I know it's a good thing. But it seems pretty scary from this aspect. I know relationship is not a try and error thing. Need to get used to this concept. Somehow i'm scared to open up to a guy. I need to prepare myself, to build a stronger relationship with God, to make sure i'm ready enough to accept relationship, though im pretty desperate now. I know this is how i am to prepare, for the future. Need to be patient. I know God has a plan for me in this. Patience and trust. I hope it'll be soon though, but still i know i'm not yet ready in this. There's still so many things i need to break free from, and reorganise.
i will pray..

Strive

Sometimes, actually most of the time, i'm scared that i can't achieve what God wants of me. I know its a choice. To choose to excel, or not. I need to excel. Yet, i'm feeling scared. Scared to study. What if i can't finish it? What if i can't achieve it? Today i've only studied for 2 pages of Biology. And my exam is next week. I'm scared of failing those subjects anymore. I need to buck up. I need to change. I need a change in my life. Enough of living that old life. Enough of complaining that maybe i can't do it. God, help me.
Yesterday hung out with JJ and Eunice. Eunice talked about excelling in those top pillars. I want to excel. This is the means of mission right now in our society. To reach out to people through this modern way. I don't want to be the one weak in everything. Of no use. Useless to the Kingdom. I need to face it now. Face it. Everyone is very hardworking now. For God. Even those who don't know Him. Hardworking. I know God placed me in this year to discipline me. I know, that knowing is not enough. I need to accept this reality and partner with God to work on this weakness of indiscipline i have together. And He shall strengthen me. He WILL strengthen me i know. But am i willing to take hold of this? I'm willing, now, as much as i can, as much as what i can give right now. God, help me to take hold of this. I don't want to be defeated this year just like that. To waste this opportunity to glorify your name this time. I know You want to do so much in my life, yet i know half of my hand is barring myself away from You, this i truly do not want. I know deep in my heart, i want to achieve so much, yet i'm holding myself back. Perhaps, this is also one area in my life that i'm holding myself back? Yes, don't hold myself back from excelling. I know i can excel, if i put in my effort. I fully believe that God gave me this brain for me to excel. I can be good in studies if i want to. So, don't waste it.
I will strive.
Again.

Truth

Sometimes i feel like even when the truth is slapped on my face, i'll still not be able to believe it.

Like there's still a plastic in between of me and the truth. I see it, but i haven't fully accepted it. I don't feel it.

Need to break open that plastic, and to truly embrace the truth.


<3

Look to You

Yesterday, i went to WL's blog. And one of the pictures and comment struck me. Its a picture of the 3 girls in PG in college hostel whom i've just met once. They came after i left college. What WL described them is powerful women of God and they're more mature than their age. I felt pretty sad. I feel like i can never be as mature as them. They look pretty mature from outside too, and they are also in the inside, yet they can be close to their girlfriends. I'm not mature. And i can't be close with a girl friend. Because i'm not enough gentle part of it i feel. I asked God to make me a women of God too.

Look to Him especially when things are getting more and more rough. I'll look to Him especially when my feelings are not with me. I'll look to Him especially when i don't feel like it. I'll look to Him especially when i got discouraged. I'll look to Him especially when i feel lazy. I'll look to Him especially when i feel so tired and burn out.

Exam. Is happening. Pretty scared of it. But a part of me is hiding my face from it. Not wanting to really directly face it and deal with it. I need to be brave. To look at it and deal with it. So do other things in my life.

I figure when everything is falling apart, then that's the time to press in even more.

Imperfectly Perfect

Lord, i want to accept how you've created me to be. I want to accept my weaknesses, Lord. I know i'm not perfect. And you've made me imperfectly perfect. In Your eyes, i'm beautiful. I'm wonderfully made. I'm beautiful in Your eyes. Today, i get to see what will it be like if everyone is physically perfect. They're so beautiful in the outside. Not too fat, and not too thin. Not too tall, and not too short. Great hair, eye, nose, mouth, smooth skin. But when i look across all of these people. I felt something so beautiful is missing. Totally missing. Its the imperfect that is missing. The flaws of human. That beautiful flaw in everyone. And i see, underneath those perfect skin, are hurting hearts. A heart that is being jailed, afraid to go out. To be seen by men and women, because they're scared of the flaws. So they avoid. What a great mistake. But i guess everyone has mostly fallen into that. To put up a mask of fakeness. Put up a false sense of security upon the wrong things. I know i've been one of these people too. I want to strip off that mask. To truly see myself. To truly accept it. Knowing that, i'm not being enveloped by this fake skins, but by the skin you've created me in. Clothing with robes from You. I don't want to put my security in all the wrong place. But i want to place my security in You. Let me to be real, Lord.

Think Big, Start Small, Build Deep

Auny Chow talked about excelling in the different pillars that you felt God led you in. The title was "Think Big, Start Small, Build Deep". It struck me. I realised again that i have to stop being lazy. Start to be hardworking. To take hold of what God has prepared for me. I know He has a great plan for me and He wants to use me mightily. Just that i'm too lazy or even self-centred to want to take hold of that. Perhaps i know that i can't be lazy anymore and i'll have to sacrifice many things. Not wanting to leave my comfort zone. Comfort zone. I've been too comfortable. The trouble is i love the comfort zone and i didn't wanna barge though of course frequent times i felt uncomfortable to be this lazy, but i ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I guess i've grieved the Holy Spirit's work in my life. When i was listening to what she spoke, i felt i should and have to stop being like this. I want to excel in the pillar that God will send me forth. Heard a few testimonies of how being top in those pillars led to many chances of God's name be preached.
When aunty Chow prayed for me, she prayed that i'll have boldness to seek Him. How true. I didn't really realise that i'm actually scared or avoiding Him because i'm scared to take hold of what's next or rather i'm scared to leave this comfort zone. I'm scared yet how can i be scared. I'm revealed that He is there. That road, though bumpy, has Him. And Jesus is enough. It suffice. It supposed to suffice someone. Am i quenching my thirst from Him? Am i taking water from the right source? I guess i've substituted it with something else, partly, thats why i felt pretty thirsty in my spirit, like it's not enough. Then she prayed for creativity to seek Him. Something like that. I remember she said creativity. I guess to seek Him. Still wondering what did she mean by that?
Anyway, i want to excel in the pillar God gonna bring me to. Now is not the same as last time. The way missions works work and all. God desire to have more movement of HS for this time. This season is different than the last. I need to flow in God's heart and timing. Not being stuck behind the time. I'm living in this era, not the old era. I want to excel in the pillar. I guess He had led me to the education part. I'm still not sure, but i like teaching the best. But for now, i want to strive to be the best in my class. I know, God doesn't view me on what i do for Him, but this is what i want to do for Him. To excel. With the Holy Spirit's help, this will pretty much be a miracle, because of my laziness. Need to break this stronghold.

When we were singing "one way" during worship, i felt pretty moved by the lyrics. How this song had touched me. This was my first favourite Christian song i know before i accepted Christ. I love this song. And after i accepted Christ, i've also always loved this song because it brought back memory. Now, today, i opened up my eyes further to understand the lyrics and it touched me again. I lay my life down at your feet, cuz you're the only one i need. How true. I turned to you and You are always there. Indeed He had been always there when i need Him, when i choose to follow Him. In troubled times its You i seek, i put You first that's all i need. Remembered that last time whatever comes my way, i'll turn to Him. Have i stop doing that? And so true, He is all i need but still i had substituted Him with so many worldly stuffs. I humble all i am, all to you. One way, Jesus, you're the only one that i could live for. Jesus is truly the only way. He is the way out. He is the way in. He is the way. The way where i need to follow, the road i truly need to take. Truly there's nothing else that i could live for, or worthy to live for except for Him. He is a part of me. And i don't want just to let Him be a part of me, but everything in me. God, take the rest of the parts that are not surrendered. There are just so many insecurity in me. God take them away. Make it secure, fully secure in You. I know this sounds so selfish. But Lord, this is the only way, You're the only way, and my heart is crying out to You right now. Take away this remaining old flesh that're clinging on to me and make me new.
You are always, always there, every now and everywhere. Your grace abounds so deeply within me. You will never ever change. Yesterday, today the same. Forever till forever meets no end. This gives me security. That i know i can hold on to. That i know i have my home in You. A home that'll not move. Unless i move away. :( If ever i chose to move away, how ill am i. Ill.
For You, i'm gonna excel. I'm gonna strive. I want to be the best. For You said in your word that you've made me king. And you'll lift up your people that we can be a head higher than the rest. To be on top of that mountain. I want to excel. But with the power of Your Holy Spirit. Lest, all are in vain. All efforts will go down to the drain.
Again, i want to excel through You.

Jesus, hold me now

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Now the walls are falling down
Now the storms are closing in
And here I am again

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You’re by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I’m beat and broken down
I can’t find my way out
Jesus, hold me now

Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown, living with my shame
Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made
One day you’re a prince, and the next day you’re a slave

Lord, I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where You are
I don’t know what else to pray
Broken at Your feet I lay
The life I’ve torn apart

Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now


*********

I cried.
I miss His presence.
I miss Him in my life.
I miss His tangible touch in my heart.
I've not been giving Him my whole heart.

I cried.
When i read about what happened on that prayer group.
It grew.
It grew.
God is so faithful.
He listens.
He indeed listens.
And He is now expanding.
What is of little.
What is of that 5 loaves and 2 fish.
To as many to feed the 5000.
He works miracles.
He works repentance at heart.
Jesus, You are the One.
It's worth living for You.
It's worth it.
I'll seek You,
and you'll be found.
Because You said,
"Seek me, and you'll find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
i trust in Your word.
Because i trust You.
Indeed Your words never fail.
Your words are never in vain.
Your words are LIFE.
You are the Word.
And You are the Life!
I love you, Jesus.

Its His faithfulness

Happy today that CF had 16 people..Second highest in number since we shifted back to our school. Almost all are constant members! But i don't know why i'm not really as happy as before. Somehow feel numbers don't make much difference, not that i'm not happy about it, but what matter is, whether they grow in spiritual too? I know some did. But i felt like i need to see more changes in their lives. More radical changes. Perhaps im being too impatient. God has His own timing. I'll just have to remain faithful. Happy that at last there're some juniors who can take up the leadership position next. =)
Just found out through browsing the internet that FT is a christian! i'm gonna ask her to come CF, and hopefully she'll know who are the rest of the christians in the form. She seemed a fiery one. God, you sent her i know.

Currently in the process of returning to God's heart. I've been tuning away my ear from Him, but now i'm getting His frequency. Though now i don't feel as passionate as before, its always on and off, but i want to still remain faithful no matter what i feel. And i know my feelings, will slowly follow along. Perhaps, in a more solid kind.
Need to get my thinking mature. Need more wisdom and understanding. I'm still the naive person. Leadership skill is definitely not my thing. Cf thus far is always God-led. I've just known and realised more. Not my ability to lead, which failed so miserably, but His grace and His faithfulness that brought them together. Hoping that CF will go on as along as God's hands are upon it.

Bought The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain and Emma by Jane Austen yesterday for rm20 only! I believe that before anyone is to like reading, they have to read the most famous books of all-time first! If not, they are not called book-lovers. I love reading. Just that i've this bad habit, that it i'll read till i can't stop thus neglecting all other stuffs. But i'll train myself not to do it if i am to be a book-lover. Enjoying the first book first. x)

Make me over

I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Sweet savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed, purified

Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over..
..Make me over

captivate my heart from pride

Parents. Mum. I realised that, all this while, there's pride that welled up in me over all these years. The inability to give in to agree what my parents or brother say is correct. Well, many of the things they said before are indeed incorrect, they always see and do things from the world's point of view. But i know i have to be gentle with them, understanding that they have not known the Lord. It looked like i'm the one who knows it all, but ended up, the enemy used that as a way to make it become a pride. Just realised that. Now, this kind of behaviour had also been shown to my friends. Slowly. I need to stop this. Be humble. Need God's presence in me so much so that i can. Because in His presence, one is made holy. The problem is, this sinful heart of mine doesn't want to now though the brain has constantly warn it. How ugly is my heart. I've got to offer it to God again. Break past this stronghold. Not to conform anymore to the pattern of this world. I've had this behaviour since before i accepted Jesus. But after i accepted, i held back, in love. But i struggled many times. And at this point of my time is my struggling period. Giving in to pride. Need to work on it. By allowing His presence to flood in me with love and grace. I've not been really walking with Him for one week. Didn't really pray but just read bible. Have to complete 10 chapters a day and im lagging 20 chapters behind! But prayer is important. Have to not go away from His presence dy because of guilt and perfectionism. I know His love for me is not defined by the work i produced for Him. Lest i'd made prayer and bible reading as idols itself. But prayers and bible reading are important, to get to know Him and understand His heart and have communion with Him. That's why i pray and read Bible.

Mum complained that i didn't give her a birthday card. I thought she didn't mind since we've made a video call and i'd sung for her using a guitar. She said that was the greatest gift, so i thought she was not expecting. But she complained to me yesterday. I knew she was comparing my enthusiasm when i made cards for teachers last year and to the enthusiasm for her birthday. I know im in the guilty side. But i really felt lazy to do anything else too. Not like last year, i'd done so much. Even i don't make cards for teachers now. I mean even for anyone else. Unless it has to be made.

I'm lazy to do this sort of things anymore. I wonder whether it's okay. I need God so much to guide me. Yet i'm hesitating still. His arms are extending i know. But is it because of my laziness that held me back? And procrastination and guilt too? I'll return to Him today no matter what . lord, i need You. i know You can hear my heart crying now though i myself may not even realised fully of what's happening inside of me. Capture me back, Lord. Capture my heart. Captivate my heart, that i may be drawn back to You again. I longed for those times when You'd just whisper to my ears, speaking to me. Now, even when my ears are just so jammed up and my hands are covering it, pull away my hands and clear up the trash Lord. I'll try to make the effort, but Lord, do the rest please? I'm weak, truly weak. I need Your presence in my life though i'm doing otherwise right now. But i don't want to live like this anymore. Because when i do, i know i'm just a living corpse. Anyway, i know Lord that You'd saved me. Salvation has been given to me. But help me to work on this salvation You've freely given to me. I ain't want to do things because its a task, but because i know You love me though i'm so full of sins. Let me not to believe in the lies of the enemies. To be played by the devil. But God, unto You i put my life on. Take it, Jesus.

take this ugly heart of mine

I've created this secret blog so that i am able to pour out everything that is in my heart into a place where no one knows who am i, yet they can share the feelings i'm going through. Writing things out help me to think more about the situations i am in and i hope will help me in arranging my thoughts. Yet not all thoughts can be viewed by friends or acquaintance because it may hurt or stumble them, and they'll tend to judge without really knowing me. The real me. I've been struggling to say out what's in my heart for a long time. To say what i really feel, to admit what i'm feeling. Sometimes, i don't even know what i'm really feeling, don't know what i'm really thinking. Practically someone who is finding her true self. I've asked God to reveal to me who i really am. What He has created me to be. My personality. My thoughts. My feelings. All are pretty in a mess i believe. Yet these things, how can i truly tell the friends i have. Some of them don't know the true me or don't even care to know, some are busy in life, some are going through hurdles in life far greater than mine. But is it also pride that stop me from sharing to certain of them? Well, i did share to some of them, good friends they are, but what help can they give me in the end. To a certain point of degree, yes they did help, but i know the rest of the journey, I'll have to find a way. That is to blog. I can be honest to my self, or at least try my best to be honest to myself (i sometimes even lie to myself!). I want to find the real me. And i'm hoping God to reveal them to me. How He sees me. How He had moulded me to be.

Why have i named this blog "The Window In my heart"? I think the reason why i chose window instead of door is because my heart's opening is not as wide as the door. And only people who peep into my life through the window can truly know the most about me. Even when one is close to me, i'll tend to hide another part of my heart to myself, thus i can't truly use 'door' because that would be allowing the person to fully go inside my heart which till now i can't. But i hope after these bloggings, i'll be able to see through this messed up mind and heart in me. God, help me please. I'm allowing You to come heal, clean and arrange my heart so that i can be pure. Not only the world's point of view pure, but pure in Your sight, Lord. Take it. Though i know its ugly.

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