I've created this secret blog so that i am able to pour out everything that is in my heart into a place where no one knows who am i, yet they can share the feelings i'm going through. Writing things out help me to think more about the situations i am in and i hope will help me in arranging my thoughts. Yet not all thoughts can be viewed by friends or acquaintance because it may hurt or stumble them, and they'll tend to judge without really knowing me. The real me. I've been struggling to say out what's in my heart for a long time. To say what i really feel, to admit what i'm feeling. Sometimes, i don't even know what i'm really feeling, don't know what i'm really thinking. Practically someone who is finding her true self. I've asked God to reveal to me who i really am. What He has created me to be. My personality. My thoughts. My feelings. All are pretty in a mess i believe. Yet these things, how can i truly tell the friends i have. Some of them don't know the true me or don't even care to know, some are busy in life, some are going through hurdles in life far greater than mine. But is it also pride that stop me from sharing to certain of them? Well, i did share to some of them, good friends they are, but what help can they give me in the end. To a certain point of degree, yes they did help, but i know the rest of the journey, I'll have to find a way. That is to blog. I can be honest to my self, or at least try my best to be honest to myself (i sometimes even lie to myself!). I want to find the real me. And i'm hoping God to reveal them to me. How He sees me. How He had moulded me to be.
Why have i named this blog "The Window In my heart"? I think the reason why i chose window instead of door is because my heart's opening is not as wide as the door. And only people who peep into my life through the window can truly know the most about me. Even when one is close to me, i'll tend to hide another part of my heart to myself, thus i can't truly use 'door' because that would be allowing the person to fully go inside my heart which till now i can't. But i hope after these bloggings, i'll be able to see through this messed up mind and heart in me. God, help me please. I'm allowing You to come heal, clean and arrange my heart so that i can be pure. Not only the world's point of view pure, but pure in Your sight, Lord. Take it. Though i know its ugly.
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