captivate my heart from pride

Parents. Mum. I realised that, all this while, there's pride that welled up in me over all these years. The inability to give in to agree what my parents or brother say is correct. Well, many of the things they said before are indeed incorrect, they always see and do things from the world's point of view. But i know i have to be gentle with them, understanding that they have not known the Lord. It looked like i'm the one who knows it all, but ended up, the enemy used that as a way to make it become a pride. Just realised that. Now, this kind of behaviour had also been shown to my friends. Slowly. I need to stop this. Be humble. Need God's presence in me so much so that i can. Because in His presence, one is made holy. The problem is, this sinful heart of mine doesn't want to now though the brain has constantly warn it. How ugly is my heart. I've got to offer it to God again. Break past this stronghold. Not to conform anymore to the pattern of this world. I've had this behaviour since before i accepted Jesus. But after i accepted, i held back, in love. But i struggled many times. And at this point of my time is my struggling period. Giving in to pride. Need to work on it. By allowing His presence to flood in me with love and grace. I've not been really walking with Him for one week. Didn't really pray but just read bible. Have to complete 10 chapters a day and im lagging 20 chapters behind! But prayer is important. Have to not go away from His presence dy because of guilt and perfectionism. I know His love for me is not defined by the work i produced for Him. Lest i'd made prayer and bible reading as idols itself. But prayers and bible reading are important, to get to know Him and understand His heart and have communion with Him. That's why i pray and read Bible.

Mum complained that i didn't give her a birthday card. I thought she didn't mind since we've made a video call and i'd sung for her using a guitar. She said that was the greatest gift, so i thought she was not expecting. But she complained to me yesterday. I knew she was comparing my enthusiasm when i made cards for teachers last year and to the enthusiasm for her birthday. I know im in the guilty side. But i really felt lazy to do anything else too. Not like last year, i'd done so much. Even i don't make cards for teachers now. I mean even for anyone else. Unless it has to be made.

I'm lazy to do this sort of things anymore. I wonder whether it's okay. I need God so much to guide me. Yet i'm hesitating still. His arms are extending i know. But is it because of my laziness that held me back? And procrastination and guilt too? I'll return to Him today no matter what . lord, i need You. i know You can hear my heart crying now though i myself may not even realised fully of what's happening inside of me. Capture me back, Lord. Capture my heart. Captivate my heart, that i may be drawn back to You again. I longed for those times when You'd just whisper to my ears, speaking to me. Now, even when my ears are just so jammed up and my hands are covering it, pull away my hands and clear up the trash Lord. I'll try to make the effort, but Lord, do the rest please? I'm weak, truly weak. I need Your presence in my life though i'm doing otherwise right now. But i don't want to live like this anymore. Because when i do, i know i'm just a living corpse. Anyway, i know Lord that You'd saved me. Salvation has been given to me. But help me to work on this salvation You've freely given to me. I ain't want to do things because its a task, but because i know You love me though i'm so full of sins. Let me not to believe in the lies of the enemies. To be played by the devil. But God, unto You i put my life on. Take it, Jesus.