Treasure friendship - doubts away

I thought to myself today. I realised that i was just being too suspicious of a person especially a guy's motive when he talk to me. I was thinking today perhaps what if they really talk to me out of a pure motive. I'd always think that in a way they want to take advantage of me when they talk to me, advantage as in they want to go over me, so in a way they can be satisfied. But what if they talk to me because they just are comfortable to talk to me? Today KH told me that he is actually liking someone. And the girl also has a little crush on him but she wants her next relationship to be the one hit KO. Anyway, sometimes i used to think that he in msn sort of hint that he likes me but actually in the end, i know that he is just liking me as a very very good friend (like what he told me). It suffices actually. I don't want to lose anymore treasure(friendship) because of my over suspicious feeling. I shall not trust my feelings so much because what i perceive might be incorrect. I want to understand that those guys who talk to me talk to me because they want to be friends with me and are comfortable with me. It's crazy for me to think that every guys who talk to me likes me and wants to couple with me. =) I shall learn how to distinguish. I love all of my guy friends too. They're all awesome people. I shall stop distancing myself from them because of this. I need to understand that i'm special to be a friend. Not to be taken advantage of. Can't believe i didn't think about this before. Thank God for revealing this to me. =)

relationship

I was talking about bf gf thing with KH. Well, somehow we'll always end our topics regarding this topic. Anyway, i don't know whether i'm desperate to have a relationship ornot, but i somehow feel like i want someone to love me, to be with me. I need to admit that i'm longing for this kind of companion. I don't want to be too desperate till i make the wrong decision to grab anyone who wants me. Still, i don't want to be too picky also. I'm actually scared that i'm not enough good for my future bf or husband. Many guys around me now seemed like a good candidate for me suddenly. I know they noticed me too. And they're good guys. Im grateful. But someone told me i looked like a girl who first hit then KO, meaning first bf dy will marry. I know it's a good thing. But it seems pretty scary from this aspect. I know relationship is not a try and error thing. Need to get used to this concept. Somehow i'm scared to open up to a guy. I need to prepare myself, to build a stronger relationship with God, to make sure i'm ready enough to accept relationship, though im pretty desperate now. I know this is how i am to prepare, for the future. Need to be patient. I know God has a plan for me in this. Patience and trust. I hope it'll be soon though, but still i know i'm not yet ready in this. There's still so many things i need to break free from, and reorganise.
i will pray..

Strive

Sometimes, actually most of the time, i'm scared that i can't achieve what God wants of me. I know its a choice. To choose to excel, or not. I need to excel. Yet, i'm feeling scared. Scared to study. What if i can't finish it? What if i can't achieve it? Today i've only studied for 2 pages of Biology. And my exam is next week. I'm scared of failing those subjects anymore. I need to buck up. I need to change. I need a change in my life. Enough of living that old life. Enough of complaining that maybe i can't do it. God, help me.
Yesterday hung out with JJ and Eunice. Eunice talked about excelling in those top pillars. I want to excel. This is the means of mission right now in our society. To reach out to people through this modern way. I don't want to be the one weak in everything. Of no use. Useless to the Kingdom. I need to face it now. Face it. Everyone is very hardworking now. For God. Even those who don't know Him. Hardworking. I know God placed me in this year to discipline me. I know, that knowing is not enough. I need to accept this reality and partner with God to work on this weakness of indiscipline i have together. And He shall strengthen me. He WILL strengthen me i know. But am i willing to take hold of this? I'm willing, now, as much as i can, as much as what i can give right now. God, help me to take hold of this. I don't want to be defeated this year just like that. To waste this opportunity to glorify your name this time. I know You want to do so much in my life, yet i know half of my hand is barring myself away from You, this i truly do not want. I know deep in my heart, i want to achieve so much, yet i'm holding myself back. Perhaps, this is also one area in my life that i'm holding myself back? Yes, don't hold myself back from excelling. I know i can excel, if i put in my effort. I fully believe that God gave me this brain for me to excel. I can be good in studies if i want to. So, don't waste it.
I will strive.
Again.

Truth

Sometimes i feel like even when the truth is slapped on my face, i'll still not be able to believe it.

Like there's still a plastic in between of me and the truth. I see it, but i haven't fully accepted it. I don't feel it.

Need to break open that plastic, and to truly embrace the truth.


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Look to You

Yesterday, i went to WL's blog. And one of the pictures and comment struck me. Its a picture of the 3 girls in PG in college hostel whom i've just met once. They came after i left college. What WL described them is powerful women of God and they're more mature than their age. I felt pretty sad. I feel like i can never be as mature as them. They look pretty mature from outside too, and they are also in the inside, yet they can be close to their girlfriends. I'm not mature. And i can't be close with a girl friend. Because i'm not enough gentle part of it i feel. I asked God to make me a women of God too.

Look to Him especially when things are getting more and more rough. I'll look to Him especially when my feelings are not with me. I'll look to Him especially when i don't feel like it. I'll look to Him especially when i got discouraged. I'll look to Him especially when i feel lazy. I'll look to Him especially when i feel so tired and burn out.

Exam. Is happening. Pretty scared of it. But a part of me is hiding my face from it. Not wanting to really directly face it and deal with it. I need to be brave. To look at it and deal with it. So do other things in my life.

I figure when everything is falling apart, then that's the time to press in even more.

Imperfectly Perfect

Lord, i want to accept how you've created me to be. I want to accept my weaknesses, Lord. I know i'm not perfect. And you've made me imperfectly perfect. In Your eyes, i'm beautiful. I'm wonderfully made. I'm beautiful in Your eyes. Today, i get to see what will it be like if everyone is physically perfect. They're so beautiful in the outside. Not too fat, and not too thin. Not too tall, and not too short. Great hair, eye, nose, mouth, smooth skin. But when i look across all of these people. I felt something so beautiful is missing. Totally missing. Its the imperfect that is missing. The flaws of human. That beautiful flaw in everyone. And i see, underneath those perfect skin, are hurting hearts. A heart that is being jailed, afraid to go out. To be seen by men and women, because they're scared of the flaws. So they avoid. What a great mistake. But i guess everyone has mostly fallen into that. To put up a mask of fakeness. Put up a false sense of security upon the wrong things. I know i've been one of these people too. I want to strip off that mask. To truly see myself. To truly accept it. Knowing that, i'm not being enveloped by this fake skins, but by the skin you've created me in. Clothing with robes from You. I don't want to put my security in all the wrong place. But i want to place my security in You. Let me to be real, Lord.

Think Big, Start Small, Build Deep

Auny Chow talked about excelling in the different pillars that you felt God led you in. The title was "Think Big, Start Small, Build Deep". It struck me. I realised again that i have to stop being lazy. Start to be hardworking. To take hold of what God has prepared for me. I know He has a great plan for me and He wants to use me mightily. Just that i'm too lazy or even self-centred to want to take hold of that. Perhaps i know that i can't be lazy anymore and i'll have to sacrifice many things. Not wanting to leave my comfort zone. Comfort zone. I've been too comfortable. The trouble is i love the comfort zone and i didn't wanna barge though of course frequent times i felt uncomfortable to be this lazy, but i ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I guess i've grieved the Holy Spirit's work in my life. When i was listening to what she spoke, i felt i should and have to stop being like this. I want to excel in the pillar that God will send me forth. Heard a few testimonies of how being top in those pillars led to many chances of God's name be preached.
When aunty Chow prayed for me, she prayed that i'll have boldness to seek Him. How true. I didn't really realise that i'm actually scared or avoiding Him because i'm scared to take hold of what's next or rather i'm scared to leave this comfort zone. I'm scared yet how can i be scared. I'm revealed that He is there. That road, though bumpy, has Him. And Jesus is enough. It suffice. It supposed to suffice someone. Am i quenching my thirst from Him? Am i taking water from the right source? I guess i've substituted it with something else, partly, thats why i felt pretty thirsty in my spirit, like it's not enough. Then she prayed for creativity to seek Him. Something like that. I remember she said creativity. I guess to seek Him. Still wondering what did she mean by that?
Anyway, i want to excel in the pillar God gonna bring me to. Now is not the same as last time. The way missions works work and all. God desire to have more movement of HS for this time. This season is different than the last. I need to flow in God's heart and timing. Not being stuck behind the time. I'm living in this era, not the old era. I want to excel in the pillar. I guess He had led me to the education part. I'm still not sure, but i like teaching the best. But for now, i want to strive to be the best in my class. I know, God doesn't view me on what i do for Him, but this is what i want to do for Him. To excel. With the Holy Spirit's help, this will pretty much be a miracle, because of my laziness. Need to break this stronghold.

When we were singing "one way" during worship, i felt pretty moved by the lyrics. How this song had touched me. This was my first favourite Christian song i know before i accepted Christ. I love this song. And after i accepted Christ, i've also always loved this song because it brought back memory. Now, today, i opened up my eyes further to understand the lyrics and it touched me again. I lay my life down at your feet, cuz you're the only one i need. How true. I turned to you and You are always there. Indeed He had been always there when i need Him, when i choose to follow Him. In troubled times its You i seek, i put You first that's all i need. Remembered that last time whatever comes my way, i'll turn to Him. Have i stop doing that? And so true, He is all i need but still i had substituted Him with so many worldly stuffs. I humble all i am, all to you. One way, Jesus, you're the only one that i could live for. Jesus is truly the only way. He is the way out. He is the way in. He is the way. The way where i need to follow, the road i truly need to take. Truly there's nothing else that i could live for, or worthy to live for except for Him. He is a part of me. And i don't want just to let Him be a part of me, but everything in me. God, take the rest of the parts that are not surrendered. There are just so many insecurity in me. God take them away. Make it secure, fully secure in You. I know this sounds so selfish. But Lord, this is the only way, You're the only way, and my heart is crying out to You right now. Take away this remaining old flesh that're clinging on to me and make me new.
You are always, always there, every now and everywhere. Your grace abounds so deeply within me. You will never ever change. Yesterday, today the same. Forever till forever meets no end. This gives me security. That i know i can hold on to. That i know i have my home in You. A home that'll not move. Unless i move away. :( If ever i chose to move away, how ill am i. Ill.
For You, i'm gonna excel. I'm gonna strive. I want to be the best. For You said in your word that you've made me king. And you'll lift up your people that we can be a head higher than the rest. To be on top of that mountain. I want to excel. But with the power of Your Holy Spirit. Lest, all are in vain. All efforts will go down to the drain.
Again, i want to excel through You.

Jesus, hold me now

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Now the walls are falling down
Now the storms are closing in
And here I am again

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You’re by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I’m beat and broken down
I can’t find my way out
Jesus, hold me now

Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown, living with my shame
Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made
One day you’re a prince, and the next day you’re a slave

Lord, I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where You are
I don’t know what else to pray
Broken at Your feet I lay
The life I’ve torn apart

Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now
Jesus, hold me now


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I cried.
I miss His presence.
I miss Him in my life.
I miss His tangible touch in my heart.
I've not been giving Him my whole heart.

I cried.
When i read about what happened on that prayer group.
It grew.
It grew.
God is so faithful.
He listens.
He indeed listens.
And He is now expanding.
What is of little.
What is of that 5 loaves and 2 fish.
To as many to feed the 5000.
He works miracles.
He works repentance at heart.
Jesus, You are the One.
It's worth living for You.
It's worth it.
I'll seek You,
and you'll be found.
Because You said,
"Seek me, and you'll find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
i trust in Your word.
Because i trust You.
Indeed Your words never fail.
Your words are never in vain.
Your words are LIFE.
You are the Word.
And You are the Life!
I love you, Jesus.

Its His faithfulness

Happy today that CF had 16 people..Second highest in number since we shifted back to our school. Almost all are constant members! But i don't know why i'm not really as happy as before. Somehow feel numbers don't make much difference, not that i'm not happy about it, but what matter is, whether they grow in spiritual too? I know some did. But i felt like i need to see more changes in their lives. More radical changes. Perhaps im being too impatient. God has His own timing. I'll just have to remain faithful. Happy that at last there're some juniors who can take up the leadership position next. =)
Just found out through browsing the internet that FT is a christian! i'm gonna ask her to come CF, and hopefully she'll know who are the rest of the christians in the form. She seemed a fiery one. God, you sent her i know.

Currently in the process of returning to God's heart. I've been tuning away my ear from Him, but now i'm getting His frequency. Though now i don't feel as passionate as before, its always on and off, but i want to still remain faithful no matter what i feel. And i know my feelings, will slowly follow along. Perhaps, in a more solid kind.
Need to get my thinking mature. Need more wisdom and understanding. I'm still the naive person. Leadership skill is definitely not my thing. Cf thus far is always God-led. I've just known and realised more. Not my ability to lead, which failed so miserably, but His grace and His faithfulness that brought them together. Hoping that CF will go on as along as God's hands are upon it.

Bought The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain and Emma by Jane Austen yesterday for rm20 only! I believe that before anyone is to like reading, they have to read the most famous books of all-time first! If not, they are not called book-lovers. I love reading. Just that i've this bad habit, that it i'll read till i can't stop thus neglecting all other stuffs. But i'll train myself not to do it if i am to be a book-lover. Enjoying the first book first. x)

Make me over

I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Sweet savior, make me over

I am only made of your imagining
I'm dust and clay on the wind
Wash me in the river of your sacrifice
Until I'm changed, purified

Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
My Jesus, make me over..
..Make me over

captivate my heart from pride

Parents. Mum. I realised that, all this while, there's pride that welled up in me over all these years. The inability to give in to agree what my parents or brother say is correct. Well, many of the things they said before are indeed incorrect, they always see and do things from the world's point of view. But i know i have to be gentle with them, understanding that they have not known the Lord. It looked like i'm the one who knows it all, but ended up, the enemy used that as a way to make it become a pride. Just realised that. Now, this kind of behaviour had also been shown to my friends. Slowly. I need to stop this. Be humble. Need God's presence in me so much so that i can. Because in His presence, one is made holy. The problem is, this sinful heart of mine doesn't want to now though the brain has constantly warn it. How ugly is my heart. I've got to offer it to God again. Break past this stronghold. Not to conform anymore to the pattern of this world. I've had this behaviour since before i accepted Jesus. But after i accepted, i held back, in love. But i struggled many times. And at this point of my time is my struggling period. Giving in to pride. Need to work on it. By allowing His presence to flood in me with love and grace. I've not been really walking with Him for one week. Didn't really pray but just read bible. Have to complete 10 chapters a day and im lagging 20 chapters behind! But prayer is important. Have to not go away from His presence dy because of guilt and perfectionism. I know His love for me is not defined by the work i produced for Him. Lest i'd made prayer and bible reading as idols itself. But prayers and bible reading are important, to get to know Him and understand His heart and have communion with Him. That's why i pray and read Bible.

Mum complained that i didn't give her a birthday card. I thought she didn't mind since we've made a video call and i'd sung for her using a guitar. She said that was the greatest gift, so i thought she was not expecting. But she complained to me yesterday. I knew she was comparing my enthusiasm when i made cards for teachers last year and to the enthusiasm for her birthday. I know im in the guilty side. But i really felt lazy to do anything else too. Not like last year, i'd done so much. Even i don't make cards for teachers now. I mean even for anyone else. Unless it has to be made.

I'm lazy to do this sort of things anymore. I wonder whether it's okay. I need God so much to guide me. Yet i'm hesitating still. His arms are extending i know. But is it because of my laziness that held me back? And procrastination and guilt too? I'll return to Him today no matter what . lord, i need You. i know You can hear my heart crying now though i myself may not even realised fully of what's happening inside of me. Capture me back, Lord. Capture my heart. Captivate my heart, that i may be drawn back to You again. I longed for those times when You'd just whisper to my ears, speaking to me. Now, even when my ears are just so jammed up and my hands are covering it, pull away my hands and clear up the trash Lord. I'll try to make the effort, but Lord, do the rest please? I'm weak, truly weak. I need Your presence in my life though i'm doing otherwise right now. But i don't want to live like this anymore. Because when i do, i know i'm just a living corpse. Anyway, i know Lord that You'd saved me. Salvation has been given to me. But help me to work on this salvation You've freely given to me. I ain't want to do things because its a task, but because i know You love me though i'm so full of sins. Let me not to believe in the lies of the enemies. To be played by the devil. But God, unto You i put my life on. Take it, Jesus.

take this ugly heart of mine

I've created this secret blog so that i am able to pour out everything that is in my heart into a place where no one knows who am i, yet they can share the feelings i'm going through. Writing things out help me to think more about the situations i am in and i hope will help me in arranging my thoughts. Yet not all thoughts can be viewed by friends or acquaintance because it may hurt or stumble them, and they'll tend to judge without really knowing me. The real me. I've been struggling to say out what's in my heart for a long time. To say what i really feel, to admit what i'm feeling. Sometimes, i don't even know what i'm really feeling, don't know what i'm really thinking. Practically someone who is finding her true self. I've asked God to reveal to me who i really am. What He has created me to be. My personality. My thoughts. My feelings. All are pretty in a mess i believe. Yet these things, how can i truly tell the friends i have. Some of them don't know the true me or don't even care to know, some are busy in life, some are going through hurdles in life far greater than mine. But is it also pride that stop me from sharing to certain of them? Well, i did share to some of them, good friends they are, but what help can they give me in the end. To a certain point of degree, yes they did help, but i know the rest of the journey, I'll have to find a way. That is to blog. I can be honest to my self, or at least try my best to be honest to myself (i sometimes even lie to myself!). I want to find the real me. And i'm hoping God to reveal them to me. How He sees me. How He had moulded me to be.

Why have i named this blog "The Window In my heart"? I think the reason why i chose window instead of door is because my heart's opening is not as wide as the door. And only people who peep into my life through the window can truly know the most about me. Even when one is close to me, i'll tend to hide another part of my heart to myself, thus i can't truly use 'door' because that would be allowing the person to fully go inside my heart which till now i can't. But i hope after these bloggings, i'll be able to see through this messed up mind and heart in me. God, help me please. I'm allowing You to come heal, clean and arrange my heart so that i can be pure. Not only the world's point of view pure, but pure in Your sight, Lord. Take it. Though i know its ugly.

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